How are you?
I know it’s been almost a year since our last near run-in (I know I’m supposed to be asleep when you come, but the little kid in me just can’t help it!). Quite a lot’s happened since then, and I thought I’d catch you up on top of sending you my wishlist for this year.
First, let me present my evidence to you, as to why I strongly believe I deserve to be on the ‘Nice List’ this year. Santa, you know how big of a Philadelphia sports fan I am, so I have to ask: Have you seen the pathetic nature of sports in this town in the last 12 months? Just based on a count of what I’ve had to put up with, and the fact that (for the most part) I’ve been able to hold it together and not snap, I think qualifies me to be a resident of the good-kids’ list. I haven’t seen a winning sports franchise for the better part of the last year. The last team that had one–the Flyers–is currently being locked out of work by the Garyinch who stole hockey. Then there’s the red pinstriped team who couldn’t overcome two injuries–one to an overpaid slugger, and the other to an over-the-hill Don–and failed to finish with a winning record for the first time in quite a few years. All they’ve done this offseason is a whole lot of not much. Don’t get me wrong, I like the Michael Young trade quite a bit (and maybe Lannan pans out as a decent fifth starter), but Santa, when are they gonna realize that they need outfield help, and a lot of it!
Should we turn our attention to the two teams playing right now? Cause honestly, they don’t deserve much of it. And when I do give them my attention, more often than not, I’m being disappointed. Santa, they stink–namely that team that wears midnight green. They play like they’re sleep-walking zombies roaming around a house at midnight. And how bout ‘dem 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6ers. Those 10, 9, 8, 76ers are being made fools of after their “blockbuster” trade this summer that they made in an attempt to acquire a true, young, talented center. All that center has done is play 0 minutes (because of chronic knee problems) and hurt himself while out bowling–now there’s one loon who definitely should be on the naughty list, St. Nick.
So, based on all that, I hope you can see why I think I’ve been a nice boy this year, Santa.
Please, if you could find it in your heart to deem me as being a nice lister, the following is all I’d like you to bring me for Christmas. (Listed in order of importance.)
1. A new Eagles head coach–despite the possibility that He-Who-is-Larger-Than-Hagrid may come back because Jeffrey Lurie’s lack of manhood.If you need some help picking one, here are a few options.
1. Maybe, just in case, I’d like you to bring some manhood to Mr. Lurie so he is able to let Big Red go.
1. Glue gloves for all Eagles players so they stop turning the damn ball over all the time.
1. New knees for Andrew Bynum.
1. Oh, and new knees for Chase Utley as well.
1. An end to the NHL lockout–preferably with a resolution in place that has the players and owners admit they were greedy assholes, and that pays fans who attend games next year, just as a way to say thanks.
1. Gary Bettman’s head on a plate.
1. Donald Fehr’s head on a plate.
1. A Left, Right, and Center fielder.
1. An offensive line, a new set of cornerbacks and safties, a real defensive coordinator, a real offensive coordinator, and a real tall wide receiver.
1. A new, restructured contract for Michael Vick, and not one for Nnamdi Asomugha.
1. A better-looking representation of the Phillie Phanatic in Washington, DC.
1. A real goalie. Like, one who doesn’t think he’s a cosmonaut, and doesn’t get cut from some crummy KHL team.
1. A Lombardi trophy.
1. The Commissioner’s trophy.
1. A Larry O’Brien trophy.
1. A Stanley Cup.
1. In preparation for the sucky years ahead, I’d like a brown paper bag with a sad face drawn on it, and holes cut out for the eyes… On second thought, no holes. That’ll save me from having to watch all this crap play out.
Thanks, Santa! Enjoy the cheesesteaks I left you! (They’re Steve’s Prince of Steaks, best in town.)
With brotherly love,